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Postpartum depression is a very real thing that happens to so many women. It’s not something we choose and it does NOT mean we’re weak. There is help out there but a lot of times that means swallowing our pride to ask for it.
I suffered in silence after my first pregnancy battling some pretty awful depression. I had so many of the warning signs. My husband noticed and said I should get help. Of course, I ignored him. I didn’t NEED help. Well actually I DID. I was a very overwhelmed, depressed new mom who felt inadequate and incapable. I spent a lot of days carrying my child around while I cried. I stopped taking care of myself. I barely showered or got out of my pajamas and I rarely left my house.
ASKED FOR HELP
Finally, when my daughter was about 8 months old, I asked my doctor for help. He put me on anti depression medicine and told me things should get better.
WRONG. They got worse. They got much MUCH worse. I started having suicidal thoughts and actually came incredibly close to attempting to take my own life. I immediately stopped the medication (which in hindsight was a bad idea). I met with my doctor and he explained my options to me. Basically, my options were different medicine, higher dosage, or nothing and live with it. I opted for NOTHING because I was scared to death after the first experience.
Fast-forward 1 year later, I became pregnant with our second child. We were so excited about completing our little family. 12 weeks in, we were hit with the devastating news. We went in for an ultrasound and the doctor informed me that our baby was not forming. They told my body was going through a miscarriage of sorts. My body thought it was pregnant. I formed the egg sac that all babies grow inside of but nothing ever formed inside of there. (This is also known as a hysterical pregnancy…but I hate that name. It makes me feel like I’m crazy.) My only option was surgery because my body couldn’t pass it on its own. Through all of that process, I was okay. I was sad but okay.
HICCUP IN THE ROAD
Surgery came and went then my body reacted. I had another type of depression; this time because my body was geared up to grow a baby but that was abruptly cut short. My hormones and emotions were all over the place. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. It was miserable. It affected my ability to parent my oldest child and I began to resent her. (Looking back I think that has something do with my whole labor and delivery with her. Read more about that here.)
Fast-forward another year and half and we became pregnant for the third time. I’m not going to lie, I was full of fear. I was absolutely terrified of every single thing that could possibly go wrong. I couldn’t even let myself get excited. For almost 9 months, I was depressed and hiding well. My friends didn’t know, my family didn’t know, and my doctor definitely didn’t know.
I said all that to say. Get help. It’s not cowardly to ask for help when you need it. It’s BRAVE! It’s BOLD! It’s IMPORTANT!It's not cowardly to ask for help when you need it. It's BRAVE! It's BOLD! It's IMPORTANT! Click To Tweet
MY HAPPY ENDING!!
I found a few things that really worked for me (one being vitamin B12) and I have never felt better. I still have bad days (mainly at that wretched time of the month) but I can say with 100% honesty, I’m nowhere close to where I was back then.
I’m here if you have any questions or need to talk. Don’t hesitate to send me an email!